Karkat Vantas and that Stupid Fucking Stone
by Michael Bunny Bunny
Summary: First of the Hogwartstuck series. Karkat and co. goes to Hogwarts! Karkat, John and Vriska basically go through the adventures of Harry, Ron, and Hermione with a bit of a twist. Rated for Karkat's language
1. The first one

Your name is KARKAT VANTAS. You like SAPPY ROMANCE MOVIES and your hobbies include YELLING and CURSING. Today you got a LETTER in the mail inviting you to HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY. This comes as no surprise to you, seeing as your ANNOYING OLDER BROTHER already goes to this school. You don't particularly look forward to it but you've been longing to get out of this dingy hole your dad calls a house for such a long time. Next week you are going to DIAGON ALLEY to get your school supplies.

On September 1st, you are at the train station, heading towards Platform 9¾, where the train is supposed to pick you up at 11 o'clock. As you're wheeling your trolley towards the platform, a black-haired bespectacled boy around your age bounces up to you.  
EB: Excuse me? I saw your cart. Are you going to Hogwarts? I am. But I don't know how to get to the train. I don't see Platform 9¾ anywhere!  
CG: IT'S THROUGH THAT BRICK WALL, IDIOT.  
EB: What? How?!  
CG: JUST RUN THROUGH IT.  
EB: Haha. Very funny. I know when I'm being pranked.  
CG: WHATEVER.  
You leave the kid standing there lost, and you go up to the barrier. You assume your brother is already on the other side. He probably got ahead of you while you were talking to that idiot over there. You look at the wall ahead of you and start to walk, eventually turning into a run. You go through the barrier. As soon as you get through, your brother's annoying voice starts ringing in your ear.  
KANKRI: Karkat. Where were y9u? Y9u made me very w9rried. I g9t thr9ugh the 6arrier, turned ar9und, and y9u were g9ne-  
Blah blah blah blah blah. Man, you wish he wouldn't talk so much. You stand and "listen" to his lecture. It lasts about 7 minutes. Shorter than usual. You eventually manage to shrug him off and get onto the train. By this time it's really crowded and you can barely walk without getting run over by some upperclassman. You look in compartment after compartment. None of them are empty. You stick your head in an empty-seeming compartment and are immediately grabbed by the arm.  
EB: Hey! Hi again! :B I made it through the platform alright. Turns out you were right, you are supposed to run through the brick wall!  
CG: HOLY FUCK DUDE DON'T GRAB MY ARM LIKE THAT  
EB: Sorry...  
CG: YOU SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME...  
EB: You wanna sit down?  
He sits down and pats the seat across from him, indicating that's where you should sit. You reluctantly put your butt on the seat. The kid smiles like an idiot.  
EB: I'm John.  
He offers his hand.  
CG: KARKAT.  
You don't take his hand.  
EB: That's such a cool name!  
The kid's not withdrawing his hand.  
EB: My name is so ordinary. "John Egbert" I mean, honestly! Oh hey, do you know about magic? I don't know anything... Is your family magical? I saw someone walking with you at the train station. He looked a lot like you. Was that your brother?  
Oh God, he's talking almost as much as your brother does. You don't know if you can take much more of this...  
EB: See, I knew nothing about magic before I got my letter!  
And he still has that incredibly stupid smile.  
EB: When I was little, my dad used to bring me to a river and we would sit on a bridge with our feet hanging over the edge and we would throw sticks into the water and watch them flow downstream. Man, that was fun.  
Okay, that's it.  
CG: JUST, SHUT UP! OH MY GOD, YOU TALK ALMOST AS MUCH AS MY BROTHER  
EB: So he IS your brother!  
CG: UGH.  
EB: I knew it 'cus he just looked so much like you! He's got darker hair though. More of an auburn colour. Yours is bright red!  
Your ears turn pink. You know your hair looks like it's on fire. Why does he have to go and point it out?  
EB: I always thought it would be kinda cool to have red hair. Man, you have a lot of freckles.  
You narrow your eyes at him. But just as you are about to say something, the compartment door slides open.  
CA: wwell wwell wwell wwhat havve wwe here  
CG: WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU  
CA: only the sexiest fucker you wwill evver meet  
CG: …  
CG: THAT DOESN'T TELL ME ANYTHING  
The boy, in your opinion, isn't very "sexy" at all. He has light blond hair with a purple streak in the middle and ridiculous hipster glasses. Another boy suddenly appears next to the ridiculous purple guy.  
TA: eriidan what the fuck are you doiing  
CA: wwhat does it look like? i'm meetin our felloww classmates  
TA: yeah, more liike hiittiing on them  
CA: sol it's not like i hit on evveryone i meet  
TA: ye2 iit ii2  
CA: no it's not  
TA: ye2 iit ii2  
CA: no it's not  
TA: ye2 iit ii2  
CA: no it's not!  
TA: ye2 iit ii2!  
Just then a girl steps in between them. She has long brown hair and pink glasses with a pink headband. Her eyes are narrowed at the two boys.  
CC: Guys, w)(at is going on?  
CA: wwell i wwas just talkin to these twwo and then sol came and interrupted  
TA: all you were doiing wa2 hiittiing on them!  
CC: O)( my glub...  
She steps into the compartment and turns to you and John.  
CC: )(i, I'm Feferi. T)(ese two clownfis)( are Sollux and Eridan. W)(o are you?  
EB: I'm John and this is Karkat. Nice to meet you!  
CC: Nice to meet you too! I'll bring t)(ese two back to our compartment so t)(ey won't bot)(er you anymore.  
She takes the two bickering boys by the arm and drags them away. The girl seems nice enough, but you can't even tell which of the boys you find more annoying. You decide you dislike the purple hipster one more. You can vaguely hear John talking about something in the distance, but you can't tell what it is and you don't want to listen.  
A few minutes later, the compartment door slides open yet again. There is a timid looking boy with a small mowhawk standing in the doorway.  
AT: uHHH,,, h-HAVE YOU SEEN A WAND ANYWHERE?,,, i,,, uHHH,,, cAN'T SEEM T-TO FIND MINE,,,,,  
CG: NO, WE HAVEN'T.  
AT: oH,,, wELL,,,, tH-THANKS ANYWAYS,,,,,  
He rolls away. You lean back in your seat with a sigh. Already you hate this school. But you'd rather be here than at home, so you shouldn't be complaining. The door slides open AGAIN.  
AG: Have you guys seen a wand? An idiot called Tavros lost one.  
CG: FOR THE LAST FUCKING TIME, WE HAVEN'T SEEN ANYONE'S WAND.  
EB: Woah, calm down Karkat!  
He extends a hand to the girl.  
EB: I'm John Egbert.  
AG: Vriska Serket.  
EB: And this is Karkat. Karkat... Hey, what is your last name, Karkat?  
CG: WHY THE FUCK DO YOU WANT TO KNOW?  
EB: Because you're my friend!  
CG: VANTAS. KARKAT VANTAS.  
AG: Whatever. I 8etter get 8ack to helping that idiot with his wand. See you, John!  
EB: Bye Vriska!  
You have had just about enough with visitors. Why does everyone have to visit your compartment in particular? Maybe it's that John kid? Yeah, you decide your irritation is his fault. Having something be Egbert's fault seems to make you feel a little better. You close your eyes and lean back in your seat. You groan as you hear the door open for a fourth time.  
KANKRI: 9h g99d, Karkat, I finally f9und y9u.  
It's your brother. Terrific.  
KANKRI: Ah, I'm glad t9 see y9u've made a friend.  
He turns to Egbert.  
KANKRI: I am Kankri Vantas, Karkat's 6r9ther.  
EB: I'm John Egbert. Karkat told me about you. What year are you in?  
KANKRI: I am in my third year at H9gwarts this year.  
He smiles smugly.  
KANKRI: Y9u tw9 had 6est get changed. We will 6e arriving sh9rtly.  
He leaves the compartment. Egbert draws the curtains and gets out his robes from his trunk.  
EB: Come on, Karkat. We need to change!  
CG: …  
EB: Oh, it's okay. You don't have to worry. I'm not a homosexual.  
You sigh and start getting changed.

You and the other first-years march into the Great Hall to get sorted into the four houses, Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and Slytherin. One by one, you are called up to the sorting hat.  
"Ampora, Eridan." The annoying hipster boy goes up. "Slytherin!" As he goes to the Slytherin table, a boy, presumably his brother, high-fives him.  
"Captor, Sollux." The boy who was fighting with Ampora walks up. He has black hair and what looks like 3D glasses. You think this is ridiculous. "Ravenclaw!"  
"Egbert, John."  
EB: Oh boy, Karkat! Wish me luck!  
He bounces up to the hat. "Gryffindor!"  
Harley, Jade. A girl with long black hair and glasses goes up. She looks pretty cheerful. "Gryffindor!"  
Lalonde, Rose. A girl with short blond hair and a headband. "Gryffindor!" Wow, lots of Gryffindors.  
Leijon, Nepeta. This girl kind of reminds you of a cat. "Hufflepuff!"  
Makara, Gamzee. Why is he wearing face paint? He looks like a clown. "Hufflepuff!"  
Maryam, Kanaya. You can tell she cares about looks way too much. "Ravenclaw!"  
Megido, Aradia. Wow, that is a lot of bushy dark brown hair. "Hufflepuff!"  
Nitram, Tavros. The wheelchair boy rolls up. "Gryffindor!" Seriously? That wimp is in Gryffindor?  
Peixes, Feferi. The girl who calmed down Ampora and Captor walks up. "Ravenclaw!"  
Pyrope, Terezi. Wow, she's pretty. Woah. Okay. "Gryffindor!" From dreading going into Gryffindor, you're now really hoping you get in.  
Serket, Vriska. Oh this is the girl that John likes. She has long blond hair and glasses. "Slytherin!" Aw, now Egbert looks upset. You don't really care.  
Strider, Dave. Cool kid. Sunglasses and everything. "Gryffindor!" The Terezi girl looks happy. You do not.  
Vantas, Karkat. Oh shit. Your turn. You hope no one notices your legs shaking as you go up and sit on the stool. The hat is placed over your head. Not a moment later and it has yelled, "Gryffindor!" You sigh, relieved as you head towards the Gryffindor table. John stands up and takes your hand and leads you to where he's sitting. He has that big derpy smile again.  
Only one kid left.  
Zahhak, Equius. A tall dark boy goes up and is immediately sorted into "Hufflepuff!" Headmaster Dumbledore gives a short speech and then food appears. You dig in greedily. You feel a tap on your shoulder. You turn around to see your brother standing there, smiling.  
KANKRI: C9ngratulati9ns 9n making it int9 Gryffind9r, Karkat. I kn9w that y9u will 6e very successful here.  
You grunt a thanks and turn back to your food.


	2. CLASSES

Shit. You're late for transfiguration by at least a minute. This is all John's fault. If only he hadn't lost that map your brother had given you, maybe you wouldn't have gotten lost! You run into the classroom with your idiot of a friend in tow, only to sigh in relief. Professor McGonagall isn't there yet, thank God. You do wonder why the Hell there's a cat sitting on her desk, though. As you and John locate your seats, the cat suddenly transforms into- shit. It's McGonagall. You and John look up at her in fear. She stares down her nose at you.  
EB: S-sorry, Professor, we were just-  
CG: JOHN LOST THE MAP.  
John shoots you a quick glare.  
McGONAGALL: In the future, I will not tolerate tardiness. See to it that this never happens again.  
The two of you nod and sit down as some of the class snickers. You share a glance with John before getting out your quill to take notes.

So far, you aren't really liking this potions professor. He asked you and John and a few other Gryffindors some really tough questions that no first-year would know! And he seemed to favor Ampora, OF ALL PEOPLE. Though, Vriska Serket was a close second in Professor Snape's favouritism. Suddenly, he turns his attention on you.  
SNAPE: Tell me, what is the difference between monkshood and wolfsbane?  
What the fuck? What kind of a question is that? One that you certainly don't know the answer to. You shrug. Snape sneers at you.  
SNAPE: Fine. Five points will be taken from Gryffindor.  
Your jaw drops indignantly.  
CG: WHAT?!  
SNAPE: You heard me. Five points.  
You look at John, who shrugs. This was so unfair! If your brother was here, he'd sure have something to say about this.

Quidditch. You have been excited about learning this sport ever since you watched your first Chudley Cannons game when you were little. You try not to shake with excitement as you place your right hand above the broomstick in front of you.  
CG: UP.  
The broom flies straight into your hand. You grin and look at John, who turns to grin back at you, therefore letting his own broom fly up and hit him in the face.  
CG: AHAHA AHAHAHA OH MY GOD..  
EB: Shut up, Karkat!  
You have to clutch your sides because you're laughing so hard. You hear a few shouts. You look up to see that idiot, Tavros Nitram, rising into the air on his broom. He looks scared. You're pretty sure he doesn't know what he's doing. His broom flies off, zigzagging left and right. He flies higher and higher until he reaches the roof. He then loses his grip on the broom, which flies away leaving poor Tavros hanging from the roof by his cloak. You watch in fear as his cloak slowly rips. He falls to the ground and you hear a sickening crack. Madame Hooch runs over to him and inspects him.  
HOOCH: Oh dear, I think you've broken your legs..  
She stands and picks him up.  
HOOCH: I am going to bring this boy to the hospital wing. If I see any of you in the air, You'll be out of this school before you can say quidditch.  
She leaves the pitch, carrying a blubbering Tavros. Someone cackles annoyingly behind you. You look around to see Eridan Ampora, picking up a small round object with a stupidly smug grin on his face.  
CA: wwhat's this? oh, this belongs to that Nitram idiot, doesn't it?  
You remember from this morning; Tavros had received this thing in the mail. A "rememberall," wasn't it? You sigh and step forward. You might as well get it back to the poor kid.  
CG: GIVE IT BACK, AMPORA.  
He raises his eyebrows at you.  
CA: no thanks. i think i'll leavve it here for Nitram to find.  
He mounted his broom and kicked off, the rememberall still in his hand.  
CA: or maybe i'll leavve it on the roof!  
You glare at him and mount your broom. Vriska Serket steps toward you.  
AG: Seriously? Don't even try. i dou8t you even know how to fly!  
CG: FUCK THAT. I'M GETTING NITRAM'S REMEMBERALL.  
You kick off from the ground and zoom towards Ampora. Somewhere on the ground, you hear John yell "go Karkat!" Ampora turns to look at you as you get closer.  
CG: COME ON, AMPORA. DON'T BE AN ASS. GIVE IT BACK.  
He smirks. That can't be good.  
CA: havve it your wway, then.  
He throws it as hard as he can. You zoom after it on your broomstick. You reach out with your right arm as far as you can and you catch it, just as it's about to hit the window of McGonagall's office! You grin and fly back down to the ground as the other first-years all cheer for you (except Ampora, he's a dick). As John is giving you a congratulatory hug, Professor McGonagall strides out onto the pitch. She calls your name. You look around at the other first-years nervously before following her. She leads you to the defense-against-the-dark-arts classroom. She tells you to stay out in the hall. She steps in and comes back out a few seconds later with an older latino boy with spiked-up black hair with a red streak in the middle. He looks back and forth between you and McGonagall, questioningly.  
McGONAGALL: Mr. Vantas, Rufioh Nitram here is the captain of the Gryffindor quidditch team. Rufioh, I have found you a seeker.  
Your eyes widen as they both look at you.  
CG: … ME?...  
McGonagall smiles and nods.  
RUFIOH: Pract1ce starts on Thursday. Look1n' forward to hav1n' you on the team, doll.

FLITWICK: Now remember class, "swish and flick."  
The charms class practices the hand motions.  
FLITWICK: Good. Now pick up your wand and try it on the feather placed in front of you.  
You pick up your wand.  
CG: WINGARDIUM LEVIOSA  
Nothing happens. Next to you, John is getting very frustrated with his feather.  
EB: Wingardium levio-SAH!  
He angrily taps his wand on his desk. That Vriska Serket girl, who was sitting next to John, grabs his arm to get him to stop.  
AG: Stop. John, stop. You're gonna take some8ody's eye out.  
He stops waving his wand around like a buffoon and looks at her, irritated.  
AG: And 8esides, it's levi-O-sah, not levio-SAH.  
EB: Really.  
Oh my, what sass!  
AG: Are you saying I'm a liar, John Eg8ert?  
He shoots a glare at her.  
EB: Fine. If you're so smart, why don't you do it?  
Vriska shrugged and raised her wand to the feather.  
AG: Wingardium leviosa.  
The feather softly lifted off of the desk and hovered higher and higher and higher. The whole class stared in awe.  
FLITWICK: See, look here, everyone, Ms. Serket's done it!  
Vriska smiled at John, who crossed his arms, defeated.


End file.
